The honeymoon period in most marriages has a shelf life. But does
that mean you can’t bring back those fluttery butterfly feelings of
excitement and anticipation everyone experiences at the beginning of a
relationship? Absolutely not. All marriages maneuver through rough
patches. Some don’t survive long enough to come out the other side
unscathed. But many do. Here are 11 ways to keep your marriage fresh.
1. Remind your partner (and yourself) that you appreciate them.
After you’ve
been married for many, many years, that passionate kiss when your
partner walks in the door can easily morph into a peck on the check that
can then morph into an inability even to look up from your computer.
Over the course of my 23-year marriage, there are times when I’ve felt
my own husband and I were starting to become so familiar with each other
that we were settling into a stultifying — albeit comfortable —
routine. But there’s a real danger in that. Studies show that nearly half of men who have cheated
say it was because of emotional dissatisfaction — and not sex. When men
don’t feel connected or appreciated by their wives, they are vulnerable
to the advances of any attractive woman who casts a lustful glance
their way. And fellows, it works the other way as well.
In his film
“Annie Hall,” Woody Allen charged that “a relationship is like a shark.
It has to constantly move forward or it dies.” I believe he was right.
2. Say thank you for the little things.
I’ve been
guilty of keeping score, constantly calculating who had done what. “I
cleaned out the kids’ closets, so you have to clean the basement.” “I
moved for your job when we first got married, so now you need to move
for mine.” “I initiated sex last time, so now it’s your turn.” But
playing tit for tat is childish and will do nothing but chip away at the
trust and connection you’ve built with your spouse. If you are so
inclined, keep score of all the positive things your partner does in a
day — and then thank them. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and do the
same for you.
3. Practice honesty, even when you’re ashamed.
If you have
maxed out a credit card or two and find yourself hiding the bills each
month, you can bet it’s going to come back to bite you. Eventually,
whether you’re applying for a home loan or simply talking about the
costs of summer vacation, these kinds of money issues will either be
brought to light by a credit report or by the simple fact you can’t
afford a trip away. Although infidelity usually happens in bed, it also
can happen with money. And it will be a tough road gaining back your
spouse’s trust if you’ve lied about overspending.
Along that same
vein, if you feel you aren’t connecting with your partner the way you
used to, you need to say something — now. I’ve learned this lesson the
hard way. I once let communication issues fester for months on end,
failing to verbalize my displeasure, and my husband and I wound up in
marriage counseling for nearly a year. It took a third party — and a
real investment on our part — to get us back on track. If I had not kept
telling myself that things would get better on their own, we might not
have reached what I call the danger zone.
4. Take care of your appearance.
With many years
and a few kids under your belt, it’s easy to let your appearance slide.
Think about when you first met your partner. Would you have walked
around in stained sweatpants and without brushing your teeth? My guess
is no. I’m not saying you have to look like Julianne Moore every time
you settle in for a night of TV. But I’ve seen too many couples
transform from Cliff and Clair Huxtable into Dan and Roseanne Connor —
with disastrous repercussions.
Sometimes my
husband will say “wow, you look nice” as I’m walking out the door for a
girls’ night out. At least pay your spouse the same courtesy you do your
friends by fixing yourself up for him or her every once in awhile.
5. Foster relationships outside your marriage.
I’ve been going
on girls’ trips for as long as I’ve been married. Yes, I love traipsing
off with my spouse and three kids. But these weekends away with friends
are also important. Swapping stories with others and enjoying new
experiences make me — I hope — a more interesting person for my spouse
to be around. When Katie Couric asked Barbra Streisand
the secret to her happy 14-year marriage to James Brolin, she replied
“time apart.” “It gets romantic because even the conversations on the
phone get more romantic. You need some distance,” Streisand said.
Your marriage should be your primary relationship — but it needn’t be the only one.
6. Watch your words.
There are many
things you should never say to a longtime spouse, the first being:
“Don’t you think our new neighbor is attractive?” That’s a question you
just think you want to know the answer to. It’s also never a
good idea to start a sentence with: “You know it’s always been your
problem that...” Who wants to hear that from their partner? We hopefully
all have a pretty good sense of ourselves at this point and having
someone you love point out a failing in this way does little to engender
a loving relationship.
“You always...”
or “You never...” Think about it. Neither of these is true. If you
start a sentence with these words your mate is certain to shut down or
start a fight. Stop for a minute and think about what you really mean to
say — and then say that instead.
7. Put away the jumper cables yourself.
In life, there
are big things and there are little things. The big things — draining
the bank accounts to support a gambling habit, forgetting to mention
that he’s in the federal witness relocation program living under a false
identity or that he has a second family stashed in Queens — are of
course one-way streets to divorce court. But most of us don’t have
problems of that magnitude. Most of us have problems that are more like
petty and repeated annoyances, which when fed the steroids of resentment
and anger, balloon up like Arnold Schwarzenegger. And we all know what steroids did to his heart, right?
Most of our
problems start out small enough — he borrows the jumper cables from your
car and then leaves them sitting in the driveway just waiting to get
run over — and from that sprouts a giant festering sore. It leads you to
utter words like, “If you loved me you would have put the jumper cables
back in my car so that when I get stuck in a bad neighborhood with a
dead battery I could save myself,” which, in my household, generally
results in a reply like “When do you ever drive in bad neighborhoods?”
It is the small
annoyances that, if left unaddressed, do us in. For a happier marriage,
address them right away and keep it simple. “Honey, did you put jumper
cables back in my car?”
8. Relish the silence.
Sometimes the
best way to address a problem is to just walk away from it — as in
seriously let it go. Not every slight must be addressed. Know that not
every insult is intended. Practice letting go as much as you can.
Forgive more. Forget more. Bite your tongue until the tip bleeds. And
once in a while, remind yourself of why you married this person. Focus
on those reasons and let stuff pass without mention.
The trick to
successful silence, however, is that you really let the problem pass. If
you stay silent and still harbor bad thoughts, well, that’s where
ulcers come from. As the Beatles told us, “Let It Be.”
9. Recognize the ebb-and-flow.
Relationships
aren’t flat-lined; that’s death, actually. Life has ups and downs, peaks
and valleys. We all go through periods where the mere thought of life
without our partners can bring tears to our eyes and then a week later
we can’t stand the sound of their breathing next to us. We’ve all been
there. The trick is knowing that you won’t stay in either place forever.
Truth is, in a marriage, you spend most of your time in an emotional
middle ground. It’s not songbirds chirping, nor is it considering which
poison in his pasta will cause the most painful demise.
This middle
ground isn’t the couple who sit in the restaurant across from one
another without conversing. Those people have actually flat-lined and
just don’t know it yet. No, the middle ground is when months meld into
years and you know what the reaction will be before you say something.
It’s when the book you finished last night just migrates automatically
to the nightstand on his side and he tells you about the recorded
“Modern Family” episode you slept through. It’s the every day ebb and
flow without the waves.
10. Be kind.
We tend to take
advantage of those we love the most — probably because we know they
love us and we can get away with it. It’s the old kick-the-cat syndrome.
You have a bad day at the office and come home and take it out on your
mate. A much healthier pattern is to start out each day by asking
yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?” And mean it.
Doesn’t it make more sense to put your best face on for someone you
love? Look for ways to say “yes.” This rule applies to parenting as
well, but in a happy marriage, people are busy trying to please each
other. That sometimes means sitting through endlessly long ball games,
putting on a tie, watching a horror movie with your eyes closed, and
traveling around old Civil War battleground sites when you really wanted
to be vacationing on a beach in Hawaii. It’s doing things for your
partner.
11. Maintain intimacy and passion, both inside and outside the bedroom.
Intimacy isn’t
just sex and passion isn’t just doing it on the kitchen counter. Bedroom
habits age along with the marriage. There may be no stronger
aphrodisiac than a moonlight walk on the beach that ends in a kiss.
There may be no greater display of passion than the zeal of a partner in
a hospital room trying to get the nurse’s attention for an ailing wife.
Don’t let others define what is a “normal” or “healthy” amount of sex
for your marriage. Know that things change, but that doesn’t make them
less exciting or fun. And intimacy comes in many shapes, including
conversation and cuddling.
Original link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/marriage-advice_n_4823414.html
Original link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/marriage-advice_n_4823414.html
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