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Step Three: Shut Down Your Reactive Brain
"People
act worse, not better, when their primitive survival alarm is ringing,"
says Grey. "And there is nothing that rings our survival alarm louder
than the threat of divorce." All of those mean things people say and
immature things people do during a divorce "are governed by the
primitive parts of our brain that operate without our permission during a
threat," explains Grey. It's essential to recognize this
fight-or-flight pattern in yourself and stop reacting. Your goal is to
be the mature, kind, and loving person your partner fell in love with,
not the anxious, angry person in survival mode.
Step Four: Retreat
When
the person you love wants to walk away from the marriage, your natural
inclination is probably to chase after him or her. But begging,
pleading, and pursuing is exactly what you don't want to do in this
case. Similar to how your partner's retreat triggers your pursuit, your
pursuit will only make him or her want to leave more. So it's time for
you to let go, step back, and do your own thing. "Don't get hysterical.
That's a huge turnoff," warns Sussman. You must be calm. You must give
your partner space. And you must act in a way that will allow him or her
to miss you (translation: no yelling, no begging, no drama).
Step Five: Get to Work on Yourself
You
may think this divorce is largely your partner's fault and have a list
of things you'd like him or her to change—but the only thing you can
control is yourself. In the end, you'll both need to change in order to
be happy, so it's time for you to get to work on your end of the deal.
"Back off and create a support system of friends and family for the time
being," says Sussman. That means you call them—not your partner—when
you feel weak or angry or desperate. "The idea is to show your partner
that you've changed." So go back to yoga class, see a therapist on your
own, visit old friends, or learn a new hobby. Focus on being the best
you you can be, know that in doing so your partner will eventually
notice.
Original link
http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a54567/how-to-stop-a-divorce/
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